How to set boundaries
A big reason we don’t take action, take risks, or go for our writing goals is because we don’t feel safe. This happens whether we realize it or not.
Now, you might be thinking, it’s just a book. It’s just a bunch of words strung together. Why would I feel unsafe?
Well, even if we’re writing something innocuous, the internet can be a terrible place. Some people can be cruel (though the cruelest often claim they’re “just sharing an opinion” or “trying to help”).
Here’s the thing: one of our basic human needs is safety. Even if the logical part of the brain knows words can’t actually cause harm, the emotional part doesn’t agree. (This is especially true for writers who’ve experienced trauma or grapple with anxiety or depression; unkind remarks can be extremely triggering.) So you'll try to stay safe by not putting yourself in harm's way—which often looks like not sharing your work.
Now, you can’t avoid everything. And yes, safety begins in our thoughts, at least when it comes to intangibles like criticism. But there are tangible steps you can take to create safety, too—and they're called boundaries.
A boundary isn’t a warning or a consequence. It’s simply what you do to protect yourself—including what you will do if someone crosses a line with you. It's for you, not the other person.
I highly encourage you to create more boundaries around your writing career. For example:
*Not reading reviews is a boundary. I’m so grateful for reviews on Amazon and Goodreads, as they help sell books (thanks to algorithms, every review ups the odds your book will be visible to readers). But I don’t read them. Even if the good far outnumber the bad, the stinkers leave me feeling depleted and defeated for longer than I’d like. And I’d rather spend that time writing.
*Blocking people who tag you in negative or personal reviews on social media is a boundary. Yes, everyone is welcome to their opinion—but that doesn’t mean they’re welcome to make sure you’re aware of it. (Personally, I only allow people I follow to tag me in posts.)
*Another boundary: not accepting unsolicited feedback on your work. When someone tries to tell me how to improve my writing (and believe me, this happens more than I’d like), I smile, tell them I trust and adore my publishing team, and change the subject. If they push, I exit the conversation. You wouldn’t let a chef begin cutting your hair just because they thought it could look better, right? So don’t let non-publishing professionals tell you how to write.
Do boundaries mean you might miss some good feedback? Yes. And that’s okay. As I’ve said before, you can manage your thoughts about anything…but sometimes you just shouldn’t have to.