How to be assertive (without being annoying)
Q. How can I tell if I’m bugging my agent and editor too much? Everyone says “the squeaky wheel gets the grease,” but I don’t want to be annoying. At the same time, I want to get my questions answered. Help, please! —Anonymous
A. We all want to feel like the people we work with (whether an agent, editor, coach, publicist, etc.) prioritize us and our work, but no one wants to be that client—the one who can’t sneeze without someone’s approval.
Your first step is to remember that you’re a professional. This may sound obvious, but so many writers forget that this business is in fact a business, and that we are providing value that we expect to get paid for. Recognizing that can take some emotion out of the waiting game that is publishing. With that in mind, here are four ways to show up as the pro that you are:
Decide what you want. What’s most important to you—both in this situation, and in this relationship in general? Is it speed, enthusiasm, transparency, etc.? Get honest about what you need—and why. For example, do you really need to hear back from your agent in 48 hours, or do you just want a sign that she cares? Knowing makes it easier to evaluate the situation clearly.
Set an intention. Before you ask for what you want, check your thoughts and feelings—or to be woo about it, your vibe—and make sure you’re not coming from a place of irritation, annoyance, neediness, etc. I can’t explain this, but people can always tell when you’re upset, even if you think you’ve written the nicest message ever.
Feeling cranky? Ask yourself: How do I want to feel when I reach out? (If you’re not sure, warm and/or professional are always safe bets.) Then ask: What do I need to think in order to feel that way? Focus on the thought you come up with—then compose your email or pick up the phone. It makes a difference.
Remember that your agent/editor/publicist is a human, too. Any given agent may represent one to two dozen clients—or more!—while editors are working on multiple books at any given time. With few exceptions, a delayed response is simply about numbers.
That said, your editor or agent may be going through something difficult, and they may not want to tell you they’re struggling. Like other areas of life, when it comes to publishing, a little grace will go a long way.
Be willing to walk. If a lack of communication is a clear pattern and asking for what you want isn't enough to change it, it’s okay to leave. In fact, sometimes a professional breakup is exactly what you need to get to the next level. Last year, several of my clients left unhappy professional relationships and went on to have phenomenal success with new, more communicative and engaged partners. It always pays to be proactive—and to bet on yourself.