How to be jealous
Q. Dear Camille,
Initially I love it when my fellow friends/writers get an agent, land a book deal, or score a fabulous blurb. But often I find the evil horns of jealousy growing as I see their debut mentioned in the media and all over Instagram. I want to continue to support them and I tell myself each book is different—but sometimes it’s hard. You’ve had great success in your career, but did you ever envy someone their moment in the sun (even if you wouldn’t admit it to anyone else)?
—Anonymous
A. Dear Anonymous,
Oh, I’m the first to admit it: I get jealous all the time. In fact, just last month I heard about a colleague’s seven-figure book deal. Was I thrilled for her? Absolutely. Was I also a wee bit envious? You bet. Success doesn’t make jealousy go away. And I’d argue that it you wouldn’t want it to—because it can be a tool you use to your advantage.
Here’s the thing: jealousy is a completely normal emotion, so don’t judge yourself for feeling it. It doesn’t mean you’re a terrible person or want bad things for others; it means you’re human. The real question is: are you using jealousy to fuel your ambition—or to set fire to your self-esteem? It may not always feel like it in the moment, but you get to choose.
Jealousy feels especially lousy when it’s accompanied by a negative thought. If you’re thinking something like, “I bet she sold out,” or “She’s lucky and I’m not,” that’s when you start spiraling instead of looking for solutions. But if you put a positive spin on it, jealousy can be incredibly instructive in identifying what you want for your own life.
If I hear about someone winning, say, a cooking competition, I don’t care in the least—because as much as I love food, whipping up great meals (let alone being judged on them) just doesn't matter to me. But writing? It’s both my passion and my profession, so it stands to reason that the green-eyed monster would sometimes rear her ugly head when I hear about other writers’ great news. That’s when I ask myself, “What about this do I want for myself?” Then—and this is the important part—I follow that up with, “What can I learn from this person that can help me do that, too?” Seeing other people succeed can help you do the same—but only if you choose to look at it that way.
—Camille