How to ask for what you want

I wonder why my agent hasn’t gotten back to me yet.  

I wish I could take a month off of work to write my novel. 

Why aren’t they paying me what I’m worth? 

I know I could be writing more than one book a year.

What do you really want? 

Take a second to answer honestly. 

Now tell me: have you asked for that yet? 

If you haven’t, you’re not alone. The four statements above aren’t from colleagues or coaching clients, though I’ve certainly heard similar. No, they’re things I’ve said at various points in my career. And in every case, I didn’t have what I wanted because—you guessed it—I hadn’t asked for it. 

Why? 

Put simply, asking is uncomfortable. It’s an act of vulnerability; you’re showing your hand and hoping someone else who’s in some position of power will pass you the right card. But asking is essential for getting what you want. If being direct gives you hives, here are three ways to make it easier. 

*Reframe a request as an opportunity for growth. Whether you’re asking for time, money, or attention, you have a chance to create an offer the other person won’t want to refuse—and ultimately, that benefits you as much as them. For example, when I was being paid peanuts as a magazine editor and needed a raise to afford my rent, I looked for ways to up my editing game and contribute more to the company. Once I did that, I was able to walk into my boss’ office with confidence, knowing I was bringing my all, and ask for more money. (PS: She said yes.) 

*Recognize that a missed opportunity is usually worse than rejection. Life is short, and second chances don’t always come around. Reminding yourself that it’s better to risk rejection than to live in perpetual uncertainty can alleviate some of the anxiety attached to asking. Speaking of which … 

*Remember that the worst outcome is almost always a feeling. With very few exceptions, what we’re really trying to avoid isn’t the word “no”; it’s the feeling associated with it. Rejection can trigger disappointment, shame, sadness, and other less-than-palatable emotions. And that’s okay. 

If you get the answer you weren’t hoping for, allow yourself to feel however you’re feeling—then try to identify the thought behind it. The majority of the time, the thought that’s to blame is hyperbolic at best (e.g. “I’ll never get a book deal,” “I’m going to be broke the rest of my life.”). So ask yourself, “Is what I’m thinking true?” It’s a simple reality check that can help you bounce back faster—so you can take the next step toward getting what you want.