How to say ‘no’

Creating your ideal writing career takes focus. 

Time. 

Dedication.

And all of those things require you to say ‘no’—a lot. 

This has been on my mind because over the past couple weeks, I’ve had to say ‘no’ more than usual. And sometimes that's uncomfortable. 

Now, some requests are downright ridiculous—for example:“Can I pick your brain and by the way, the only time that will work for me is 8:30 a.m. tomorrow?” (No, I’m not making this up, though I wish I were.) In those cases, it’s never hard to say “Sorry, that’s not going to work for me.” 

But a lot of asks are the sort that, if I had all the time, money, and energy in the world, I would absolutely say ‘yes’ to. Reading someone’s novel for a possible endorsement. Coaching someone for free. Volunteering for my child’s school. Answering work emails on the weekend (because truth be told, I love what I do and it rarely feels like work).

I don’t have all the time, money, and energy, though. And neither do you. If you know something’s got to give, here are four ways to say 'no'—and mean it. 

1. Pause. If you’re a recovering people pleaser, as I am, the easiest way to avoid overcommitting is to simply not respond right away. This will help you avoid old habits, such as immediately agreeing because you can’t think of a pressing reason not to. Once you’ve paused … 

2. Consider the cost. Every yes is a no to something else. And that something else is often your goals. Even if you have enough hours in the day to write, over-giving—which is what you’re doing by saying ‘yes’ when you want or need to say ‘no’—still depletes you. That has a direct impact on your writing and career. 

3. Be kind—but don’t over-explain. It’s okay to give a legitimate reason why you can’t commit, but know that it’s not necessary. When you do offer one, keep it short and sweet. A friend of mine pointed out that other people tend to view explanations as opportunities for debate (“How about when you’re not tired? Then will you help me?”). When in doubt, stick to “I’m so sorry, but I can’t.” 

4. Remember that you’re not responsible for another adult’s feelings, even if you adore them. People’s feelings come from their thoughts, which are the result of belief systems based on a whole lifetime of influences that have nothing to do with you (think parenting, society, schooling, etc.). Recognizing that makes it easier to prioritize your own needs. 

Here’s the truth: some people are going to be disappointed when you advocate for yourself. They might even say crappy things about you. 

But in my experience, the proverbial light bulb switches on when they commit to a dream. Suddenly, they realize that reaching a goal is so much easier with a clear head and a relatively clear calendar—both of which begin with 'no.'